Monday, July 19, 2010

The Origin of Earth

A famous geologist named Frakhower De-Bueskat once said to his client "You see, all the world is made from crumbs, with varying levels of mould and staleness." When questioned, he explained that there was no need to include colour in his phrasing, seeing as that was based solely on the potency of the mould. However, that was not the question that the client had actually asked. In fact, he didn't even finish his question. There are still debates about what he meant to ask, although it is clear that what he did manage to say before being interrupted was "Why do you-".

Historians believe in a wide range of things that he meant to say, such as 'Why do you act like such a crazy batshit motherfucker?"

In Frakhower's theory, staleness dictates how hard an object is, while the mouldiness makes the substance less solid and determines what colour the substance is. So even with chocolate, old bread is what the block is made out of. In later years, however, a question was brought to the attention of a pessimist chemist: "If the world is made of bread, then what the fuck is bread?"

This simple question started the 30 year old scientific mystery that is known as the What The Fuck is Bread Debate which has remained unsolved until recently, no more than 3 years ago today. In 2007, a scientist theorised that bread was made from fresh particles which had been recently created at the edge of space, and was later proven correct by newfound bread meteorites which form 'at the end of time'. This, coupled with the 2 pages of self-contradictory rules that explain how they get to Earth so fast, can utterly blow the mind of a weak minded creature. That is why dogs die when they eat chocolate. They just can't handle the fucking extreme complexities of the seemingly impossible explanation behind the matter that they are eating. "It's just too FUCKING HARD. I'm going to sleep."

So next time you get bread, keep it in an oven. You'll be able to extract sweet ass gold ore.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

First Introduction & Dustites

Please consult this helpful chart before reading anything in this blog.

Dustites are a measure of millimeters squared needed as storage space for vital aspects of living - such as knowledge - in your brain. The average adult brain can hold up to 70 knowledgeable dustites and 200 autonomous dustites (used for regulating bodily functions such as breathing). This is assuming that the waves of information are spaced out enough, which they naturally are, unless a brain-clot causing condition is present (often lethal). Dustites are usually applied as a measurement for new knowledge which comes from somewhere outside the body, such as a documentary or lesson, or even a work of fiction (imagites). Some types of dustites are beneficial, most of which are carriers of factual knowledge. TMI's and lamolics are among the damaging types of all external dustites. Meta-neurobiophysicists have been recently concerned about levels of such dustites being on the rise due to bad Disney icons and other celebrities. A new epidemic of superficialoz has arisen, inspiring stupidity in many teen-aged girls.
Some scientists think that there are 14 types of dustites, but only 8 types of dustites have been proven to exist. A theory is that many of the dustites that haven't been discovered were what made Tesla so insane and ingenious. They would have congregated there because they 'liked' electricity, (meaning that the charges attracted them) sometimes ending up getting fried by his Tesla Coils; ergo, extreme lack of the long searched-for 'Myth Dustites'. Especially the much alcoholic type.
However, the general public opinion is that "meta-biologists who work in neuroscience are suck." These people are idiots, because they're actually Meta-physicists with an interest in neuro-biology. Also, the idiots have terrible grammar. Get your shit together, folks!