Sunday, September 26, 2010

4 Dangerous Hiding Places For Monsters

It is known that monsters were very common during the 1900's. Especially during the 1980's. But they were being hunted by awful writers and by 2008 they were in critical danger of becoming extinct. In fact, some species are fully dead, such as the infamous Alien, shown below. They were ruined with the release of Alien: Resurrection, when the main woman acted all maternal over them for no fucking reason and gained ridiculous superpowers.
Unfortunately, due to bad camera direction by Ridley Scot, this is the most detailed picture available.
Also, fuck that movie. Resurrection my ass.
Nowadays, monsters are small in number and live hidden near the mountain-top Tibetan Buddhist Monasteries of New Zealand (and every other hidden place in the world, but those aren't quite as funny).
Very few monsters have ever been found. For five years many teams of stupid drivers who call shotgun constantly use cameras to ruin things and hold shotguns to kill things in Honda Cities patrolled all the major mountains in New Zealand. They only found 22 specimens. 
However, Mt Ruapehu was saved and with the creation of a terrible movie, all possibilities of a race of monstrous sheep were destroyed.

Area 1: In the closet
The worst thing about closets for a monster is being trapped inside because the victim child is smart enough to lock or duct tape it closed. Then they are subject to all sorts of torture from sharp objects, Terminator 2 style, except there won't be any guns or sunglasses.
Now even ROBOTS are being destroyed by terrible writers. No seriously Terminator Salvation is really bad so don't watch it!
And monsters can't fit in the closet if they aren't flexible or small enough.

Area 2: The attic
The attic was once a nice, roomy place for monsters to hide. But then it became more and more difficult to use. Due to the age of architectural reasoning, a great enigma spawned over matters such as the ability to get inside the attic in the first place, because what if there's no stairway up there or apparent hole? There's also all the wires and stuff. Since the release of Inception, attacking during the child's sleep is a serious hazard. It'll get into their dreams when the monster goes through the ceiling that the roof is crumbling and they'll think that the dream is collapsing and they'll ask how they got there.
They'll wake up, call the authorities, and the monster will be screwed. This brings me to the next location.

Area 3: In the walls

Now imagine this. You're a monster who has just been betrayed by one of your friends to the family you are trying to haunt. Because they're not complete fucking idiots like the ones you'd expect to find in your presence, they call in a SWAT team. Then you and your mates run for your hiding place and try to escape through the floor because the place is surrounded. So you run for the main wet wall and make a large hole in it, through which you climb down. Then one of the guys from the SWAT team goes into that room and hears the guy who betrayed you coughing after getting all this dust on himself, to which he exclaims, "They're in the walls!"

Then he starts shooting, and you panic and shoot back, and then an agent smashes through the walls and grabs you, then another of your friends breaks out of the wall and smashes down on top of him yelling "You must get him out! He's all that matters!"

And speaking of wet walls, lets go to the last part.

Area 4: Under the bed
Here is a hiding place that is just downright retarded to use, because if you're a monster, then obviously, they'll just jump on you.