Saturday, October 9, 2010

Screwing With Translation

 Sorry, readers. None of the regular stuff is going up today. So instead, here is a sentence which I have translated to Japanese and then back to English several times. Online translators don't work properly, so every translation loses a piece of information. The yellow text below is not how I type.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

4 Dangerous Hiding Places For Monsters

It is known that monsters were very common during the 1900's. Especially during the 1980's. But they were being hunted by awful writers and by 2008 they were in critical danger of becoming extinct. In fact, some species are fully dead, such as the infamous Alien, shown below. They were ruined with the release of Alien: Resurrection, when the main woman acted all maternal over them for no fucking reason and gained ridiculous superpowers.
Unfortunately, due to bad camera direction by Ridley Scot, this is the most detailed picture available.
Also, fuck that movie. Resurrection my ass.
Nowadays, monsters are small in number and live hidden near the mountain-top Tibetan Buddhist Monasteries of New Zealand (and every other hidden place in the world, but those aren't quite as funny).
Very few monsters have ever been found. For five years many teams of stupid drivers who call shotgun constantly use cameras to ruin things and hold shotguns to kill things in Honda Cities patrolled all the major mountains in New Zealand. They only found 22 specimens. 
However, Mt Ruapehu was saved and with the creation of a terrible movie, all possibilities of a race of monstrous sheep were destroyed.

Area 1: In the closet
The worst thing about closets for a monster is being trapped inside because the victim child is smart enough to lock or duct tape it closed. Then they are subject to all sorts of torture from sharp objects, Terminator 2 style, except there won't be any guns or sunglasses.
Now even ROBOTS are being destroyed by terrible writers. No seriously Terminator Salvation is really bad so don't watch it!
And monsters can't fit in the closet if they aren't flexible or small enough.

Area 2: The attic
The attic was once a nice, roomy place for monsters to hide. But then it became more and more difficult to use. Due to the age of architectural reasoning, a great enigma spawned over matters such as the ability to get inside the attic in the first place, because what if there's no stairway up there or apparent hole? There's also all the wires and stuff. Since the release of Inception, attacking during the child's sleep is a serious hazard. It'll get into their dreams when the monster goes through the ceiling that the roof is crumbling and they'll think that the dream is collapsing and they'll ask how they got there.
They'll wake up, call the authorities, and the monster will be screwed. This brings me to the next location.

Area 3: In the walls

Now imagine this. You're a monster who has just been betrayed by one of your friends to the family you are trying to haunt. Because they're not complete fucking idiots like the ones you'd expect to find in your presence, they call in a SWAT team. Then you and your mates run for your hiding place and try to escape through the floor because the place is surrounded. So you run for the main wet wall and make a large hole in it, through which you climb down. Then one of the guys from the SWAT team goes into that room and hears the guy who betrayed you coughing after getting all this dust on himself, to which he exclaims, "They're in the walls!"

Then he starts shooting, and you panic and shoot back, and then an agent smashes through the walls and grabs you, then another of your friends breaks out of the wall and smashes down on top of him yelling "You must get him out! He's all that matters!"

And speaking of wet walls, lets go to the last part.

Area 4: Under the bed
Here is a hiding place that is just downright retarded to use, because if you're a monster, then obviously, they'll just jump on you.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010


There is more to the Pythagoras Theorem than simple geometry. While some people say some crap about it being the fact that the longest side of a right angle triangle squared is equal to the sum of the other two sides squared, at Alternations Inc. we believe that this is bull; our science is superior.
Utter, bullshit.  
They should feel ashamed of themselves.

The truth is that Pythagoras was a truly awesome man. During his time in Italy he sought to escape from a cruel ruler, by the name of Oktubus Dun Hoomer. Right before he was kinged, he asserted that an exclamation mark be added to his name to show authority and strike fear into the peasants and slaves. But he also made sure that the punctuation would be removed at his death, to stop him from looking like a douche-bag in the afterlife. Since he had been already princed automatically at birth, he had some power before then.
Pythagoras hated the idea of an exclamation mark being added to a famous name so badly, that he fled to south Italy, just south of where Oktubus ruled over.

(Side note: Nobody actually cared much about the peasants and slaves. They were just horses, chickens and other useful domestic pet animals. The villagers are a different story however. They were humans, and they were deep in the shit.)

Then, a few years later, King Oktubus decided to put his name completely into capitals. Pythagoras was infuriated, so he decided to come up with some mathematical formulas and battle plans to ensure that the king was destroyed.
Take this diagram here. It shows the one battle plan that was not rejected. It involved throwing dynamite into Oktubus' bedroom window. Because as you see, Oktubus spent his mornings ridiculously dressing in drag, pretending to be some kind of story character. The 'Rage' axis shows how angry Pythagoras is. His distance from the tower was dependent on his rage. After formulating this idea, he immediately put it into practice. Sure enough, he freed the land from terrible punctuation. He destroyed a few grand worth of architecture but history still likes him.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Origin of Earth

A famous geologist named Frakhower De-Bueskat once said to his client "You see, all the world is made from crumbs, with varying levels of mould and staleness." When questioned, he explained that there was no need to include colour in his phrasing, seeing as that was based solely on the potency of the mould. However, that was not the question that the client had actually asked. In fact, he didn't even finish his question. There are still debates about what he meant to ask, although it is clear that what he did manage to say before being interrupted was "Why do you-".

Historians believe in a wide range of things that he meant to say, such as 'Why do you act like such a crazy batshit motherfucker?"

In Frakhower's theory, staleness dictates how hard an object is, while the mouldiness makes the substance less solid and determines what colour the substance is. So even with chocolate, old bread is what the block is made out of. In later years, however, a question was brought to the attention of a pessimist chemist: "If the world is made of bread, then what the fuck is bread?"

This simple question started the 30 year old scientific mystery that is known as the What The Fuck is Bread Debate which has remained unsolved until recently, no more than 3 years ago today. In 2007, a scientist theorised that bread was made from fresh particles which had been recently created at the edge of space, and was later proven correct by newfound bread meteorites which form 'at the end of time'. This, coupled with the 2 pages of self-contradictory rules that explain how they get to Earth so fast, can utterly blow the mind of a weak minded creature. That is why dogs die when they eat chocolate. They just can't handle the fucking extreme complexities of the seemingly impossible explanation behind the matter that they are eating. "It's just too FUCKING HARD. I'm going to sleep."

So next time you get bread, keep it in an oven. You'll be able to extract sweet ass gold ore.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

First Introduction & Dustites

Please consult this helpful chart before reading anything in this blog.

Dustites are a measure of millimeters squared needed as storage space for vital aspects of living - such as knowledge - in your brain. The average adult brain can hold up to 70 knowledgeable dustites and 200 autonomous dustites (used for regulating bodily functions such as breathing). This is assuming that the waves of information are spaced out enough, which they naturally are, unless a brain-clot causing condition is present (often lethal). Dustites are usually applied as a measurement for new knowledge which comes from somewhere outside the body, such as a documentary or lesson, or even a work of fiction (imagites). Some types of dustites are beneficial, most of which are carriers of factual knowledge. TMI's and lamolics are among the damaging types of all external dustites. Meta-neurobiophysicists have been recently concerned about levels of such dustites being on the rise due to bad Disney icons and other celebrities. A new epidemic of superficialoz has arisen, inspiring stupidity in many teen-aged girls.
Some scientists think that there are 14 types of dustites, but only 8 types of dustites have been proven to exist. A theory is that many of the dustites that haven't been discovered were what made Tesla so insane and ingenious. They would have congregated there because they 'liked' electricity, (meaning that the charges attracted them) sometimes ending up getting fried by his Tesla Coils; ergo, extreme lack of the long searched-for 'Myth Dustites'. Especially the much alcoholic type.
However, the general public opinion is that "meta-biologists who work in neuroscience are suck." These people are idiots, because they're actually Meta-physicists with an interest in neuro-biology. Also, the idiots have terrible grammar. Get your shit together, folks!