The End

That's it. This is the end of The Alternate and Crappier Science.
It's been a long time between the last time I updated this blog and now, and even longer since I posted actual content. I'm pretty over this blog. I'm only proud of like four or more posts at this time. I have quite completely run out of things to post here, and I certainly don't want to post more of that creepy stuff that I went through back in 2011...

Speaking of 2011, remember that post about images that you "won't believe aren't photoshopped" that I made a while back? I was actually trying to make a parody of a certain article series on Cracked by taking advantage of their vulnerable phrasing to create a manipulative logic, commenting on how it was obvious that the audience would not believe in such images being faked, because they obviously weren't.
...Instead, I ended up with a shitty post that confusingly payed homage to a brief stint of mine in a "CFU" back in 2011 during the blackout glitch period of my suffering brain.
Anyway, this blog has basically run out of material to ride on, so I'm going to stop updating it forever. No more posts.
I do plan on making another blog, though! I believe it's going to be a blog on Wordpress about fictional villains, so I hope you look forward to that if you happen to somehow find it in latter days.
Latter days...
Latter days...

Goodbye.

Moving On

I think I have to change some things about this blog. First, I'm going to delete three posts that I think are not a good idea to have on The Internet. I had some rough times about 3 years ago, but that stuff has to stay confidential.

However, some of my posts have been all about what was going on in my head. Looking at them now, they seem amazing to me. I'm going to keep the posts that don't disturb me too much, because I don't want to delete anything with great artistic value to it, like the post about the missing arm.

The problem is that when I think about these posts and how to write them, I think too hard and remember things that were not meant to be remembered. It disturbs me. So I'm going to go off writing about things from 2011, and probably let Alternate Science stagnate until I can think of more writing material. I'm sorry I didn't post at least once a month like I said I would. But who reads this blog?

And formatting this blog is hard. I have to carefully edit the HTML to stop posts from looking wrong.

A Bunch of Universes

It's all over now. There is nothing to do and no way to live. Several universes are lined up in some kind of dark area where nothing else exists. They used to just sit here with no connection, but now that somebody has jumped from time to time, creating new parts of a universe inside another, they are linked.



The timelines have taken their path through one universe to another. Everything is now dependent on its neighbor to exist.
But this realm is being destroyed. The reality of space has been torn apart and is no longer stable. The Universe begins to glow red and shrink into its death with a horrible squealing sound.




Now I am sure everything is done for. Every piece of existence is connected. When The Universe collapses, every universe tied to it will shrivel up and die in sequence.

The Insanity of Chickens

Chickens can and will take you down if you let them get close enough. They group up in secret underground bases formulating plans somehow without communicating, they follow the human into a closed off area, then they gang up on that person suddenly and it's all over in a horrible and unforeseen way. You might be thinking, well this is just insane. And it is. It's the Insanity of Chickens.

Chickens have a gigantic network of tunnels under every major region they numerously live in, usually rural. There are many different kinds of room in each one, and hundreds of rooms in total.
Most of the floor space is occupied by tunnels, which aren't supported by much and sometimes break down. One particularly weird thing (and almost a sad thought) about these chickens is that if they are in a tunnel that starts collapsing, they will lie down and openly accept their death. This kills some chickens every week, but not enough.

The rooms don't have names, humans haven't even labelled them yet. Each room is like a dirt cavern about 10 metres wide and very much tall enough for the chickens to stand in. One kind is full of posters and human junk which isn't hugely valuable to us, but that the chickens relish in keeping after they seize them in any of their various raids. Usually they put a Rubik's Cube in the middle, and nobody knows why.
There's a type of room full of food, and then eventually the opposite of food. These have temporary supports than can easily be taken down in a heartbeat when necessary. So that the area collapses entirely with no casualties. One might think this landfill sort of thing would be helpful to the environment, but it's not. Even if the chickens would want to do this kind of good, there's a complicated yet definitive scientific reason why this action is actually harmful to the ecosystem.
Some rooms are just completely empty aside from the fire lighting that is in all rooms. One theory is that a chicken enters one when they want to think.

I was unlucky enough to stay at a town during the week when chickens raids were in effect. I was staying with a friend in a house in the middle of the street, which had been rented out to us. A small group of chickens was progressively breaking through the neighborhood from the south. As they muscled north people were gradually becoming more alert, and when the chickens were done with 15 houses a news report finally went on air. I was not at the house when it was broadcasting. Eventually my friend and I found it; we were looking through earlier TV events that were automatically recorded by our machine, but by then it was almost too late.
3 minutes before we would have been ready to leave, windows started breaking. The house seemed to shake as our enemy jumped in. But somehow there was only one chicken left. The glass in the house was very hard, so later we thought that maybe all but one chicken couldn't get through and/or died from the impact. The chicken broke through the window nearest to us and went straight for my friend's face. They made his face bleed, but he reacted quickly and reached out to the chicken, snapping the neck.
Then the biggest threat was dead, but we had to move. Not only did my friend need medical care, but soon enough more chickens would come back for more raids after not seeing back from their first squadron.

Understatements

Let me tell you a story about an event that was understated.

An alien by the name of Gogud lived on a planet 100 light years away from ours, which was not very close to Earth. He was only 24 centimeters in height, so he wasn't the tallest person around. He had blue eyes and orange skin, which isn't really the most common appearance that aliens typically have. His house had a cracked roof, and not very much heating, that the walls would have provided if it was a slightly better house. Rain was always leaking in and Gogud was not very warm at night, so these weren't the best living conditions.
The sun he lived under was a red giant, putting most things under a red light. The sun was not very small in the sky and the red light didn't look so good on the purple grass.
Gogud's right leg was a bit shorter than his left leg, so his way of walking was not so good. As he tried to walk to his well he fell over and hit the ground with a force of 12 newtons, which was a bit painful.
Then the sun started expanding, and the red glow covered everything. Soon it would engulf the planet, superheating it until it completely melted and became nothing, which Gogud realized would not feel so good.
You might say he didn't like that.

...

What the hell is wrong with people? How did it get this bad? People in real life are constantly watering down their explanations about bad things that happen, people who are disadvantaged, and even the quality of something they bought. If something sucks, say it sucks. Nobody should be offended when you tell them that a hammer you just bought is useless or too heavy. If you have a kid who violently retches upon eating a certain food, or dreads meeting a certain person, do NOT tell anybody that they 'don't like it'. Obviously they hate the person, food or other thing. Understatements can and will confuse people into not doing something or thinking a problem isn't as bad as it really is.
So tell the truth... Unless it's too brutal, you gotta worry about that a bit.

A Physics Thought

So picture this. There's a large fluffy ball traveling at the speed of light in a straight line right past you. You won't be able to stop it, but it comes by close enough for you to grab it, if you are quick enough.

Now, assuming that this incredibly fast ball doesn't explode or break your fucking arms off, you would have changed its trajectory a little. How cool is that?

Marble Striders

It's about time I updated this blog.

I am going to tell a story about a very strange thing that happened to me one day when I was staying in a mental health ward. I was catatonic there, and it was really serious. I could easily make up some bullshit scientific documents and sightings about this subject - as is the nature of this blog - but I think it's better to just explain the truth, and how I interpreted it.

It was 2011 when I was sitting there. I was in the kitchen having some unremembered conversation with my father. I would probably have been a lot more involved in it if I hadn't been catatonic.

I looked out the window and saw something amazing. It was a walking bathtub.

Quick side-note here, that bathtub wasn't the only thing walking down the hill, there were other people walking on the path as well. If you were ever in New Zealand and saw something like in the picture above, please comment about it.

It was beautiful.

This was a very sad moment in my life, and you could probably say this was a very moving experience. (It was certainly emotional, but probably less than I remember it to be. I was most likely shocked.) I had assumed that it was some kind of undocumented female creature, walking away from the world sadly, as though very disappointed (in me, probably).

Unfortunately I didn't tell anybody about this until it was gone and my dad was leaving. I think he was trying to stop me from looking outside as well. When I told him, he thought there was something wrong (as I've been told), but soon he figured out what was going on.

He found a bathtub in a dumpster. These days we understand what really happened. Basically somebody walked down the hill outside, with an upside down bathtub on his back, with only his legs visible from where I was sitting. I think he was in painting gear.

The significant thing about this was how my psychosis understood this. Due to that clinical insanity, this wasn't just a humorous occurrence; it was a haunting image. 

I still think about those creatures. I've come to refer to them as Marble Striders, and I hope to release a fictional documentary about them some time.

I just need to find a bath tub.

Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped

Here are some pictures that you won't believe are not photoshopped, edited or doctored in any way.

Cat and Mouse

A cat heavily pursues a mouse that has stolen one of her kibbles. Speed blur shows the sheer power of the pursuit. The mouse is regularly defined by the black spot on its rump. The mouse is clearly faster than the cat, but cannot outrun it forever.

-Lunar Tick

Ship 

A ship takes off from the side of 3 cliffs. A guitarist plays its leaving theme.
-Some people on The Internet

Matrix Fight

Neo enters The Matrix for the last time. An army of Smiths stand watching the battle between him and the most powerful Smith who can also fly. Neo is about to land a most poofy impact on Smith, who attempts to style-punch Neo.

Gyro-Shark
A helicopter shark flies over the open ocean looking for seals to feed on.
-Department of Complication

Horseshoe Crab

This horseshoe crab is receding to the water for it has simply lost hope in the world. Years have gone by and war still continues among humans, who have failed to listen to the wisdom of his species. He is also concerned about the exploitation of his species for their blood, which is turned into a potent blue neurotoxin.

-Lunar DOC

 Lionfish Zebra

This strange creature was found outside Auckland Zoo. This may have been a result of inter-enclosure breeding. The specimen was later put to death for avoiding regular logic.

-Assorted Zoologists

 The Core

Here can be seen the core of The Moon. The Moon has been compared to GLaDOS, having a tough, cold outer shell, and a boiling, angry interior.

-Luna Shyr

Spirit Bear

A spirit bear flies through the clouds majestically, waiting to be summoned by Goku for the purpose of defeating a new villain. A spirit bear is a white grizzly rarely produced by two brown ones.

-Scrawl Hicken

 

Breen

Gordon Freeman has entered Doctor Breen's office. This is part of an elaborate prank and trap by Breen. A hint of a smile appears on his face. "Really Doctor Freeman?" He says. "Did you really think you would get away with it?"

-Doctor Kleiner

 Android 1

Dr Gero's recently activated Android 1 suddenly comes around a corner to find its first victim. The soldier inside the building has no idea of his fate.

-Trunks

 
Android 18

For the first time Android 18 is activated. She stands up with a shudder and a wheeze. Compressed air flows beneath silicone skin and she makes a demure grin. She takes in her surroundings quickly. She notices Dr Gero and kills him immediately. Then she and 17 left the premises, to be eaten later by Cell.

-Trunks

 

Robots

A small group of robots are conspiring. They plan to take over the world.

 Universe Edge

Two space divers have reached the top of the universe. This area is home to bee fish which feed on heat.

-John Digligger

The Void

A man trapped inside Minecraft attempts to get back to the real world by floating down into The Void holding an umbrella. The man filled the pool with gravel and then dug everything out.

-The Stonefaker

 Ball With Hoop

After the world has ended, a single man passes the rest of time by throwing a pathetic little ball.

-Cringey Hompson

Tesla Man

A Tesla man foolishly stands with a burning torch near a highly flammable gas electrical storm. The man is surely about to die in a rage of electrical fire. The gas is mined for such purposes as rubber and sugar processing. 

-Lunar SHUT

 

Angry Seals

These seals are furious about the existence of spirit bears, as they are their natural enemies.

-Thomas W. A. 

I didn't say that these pictures aren't fake, I said you wouldn't believe the idea that they are not fake. A few of them are definitely fake, or just straight up not photographs. Others are real photos that have been edited for the National Geographic magazine or other aesthetic purposes.

So yeah, utter bullshit.

I Dreamt of Halo

I was standing on a shore at night. There was an island in front of me, not very far away or large. I could see figures on it, and closer inspection showed that it was Master Chief standing in a circle of weird looking seaweed-esque plant like things. They were people of some strange race. They must have been 2.5 metres tall because they were higher than Master Chief and he's 2 metres tall!

I walked over to that island (well actually I sort of glided really, seeing as it was just a dream) and Master Chief let them know this: "I used to have hope for the universe, until I met you." Or rather it was like that anyway. It's sort of hard to remember.

Master Chief, seen here with hope for the universe.

I headed back to the shore and away from some blue guy. He looked like Cell or Sentinel prime. I had not seen Transformers 3 yet.

He got me with a finger. I kept trying to move away and it was a bit of an annoying struggle but soon I found an Asian guy with a plane or motorbike. I forgot which one it was but it flew. Soon we had a view of hundreds of Yak planes from Red Alert 1995 as if we were playing it on a PC. They really were in a dense crowd. They were spazzing out above a full screen of pixelated water, and above them was the cross-hair. No islands anywhere.

Unfortunately, I could not find pictures of the planes or the cross-hair. The only thing actually from the game in this picture is the water. If you can find any of those things please send me a picture.

Abrupt ending. I'm not sure if the dream carried on further or not.

Screwing With Translation

 Sorry, readers. None of the regular stuff is going up today. So instead, here is a sentence which I have translated to Japanese and then back to English several times. Online translators don't work properly, so every translation loses a piece of information. The yellow text below is not how I type.

4 Dangerous Hiding Places For Monsters

It is known that monsters were very common during the 1900's. Especially during the 1980's. But they were being hunted by awful writers and by 2008 they were in critical danger of becoming extinct. In fact, some species are fully dead, such as the infamous Alien, shown below. They were ruined with the release of Alien: Resurrection, when the main woman acted all maternal over them for no fucking reason and gained ridiculous superpowers.

Unfortunately, due to bad camera direction by Ridley Scot, this is the most detailed picture available.
Also, fuck that movie. Resurrection my ass.

Nowadays, monsters are small in number and live hidden near the mountain-top Tibetan Buddhist Monasteries of New Zealand (and every other hidden place in the world, but those aren't quite as funny).
Very few monsters have ever been found. For five years many teams of stupid drivers who call shotgun constantly use cameras to ruin things and hold shotguns to kill things in Honda Cities patrolled all the major mountains in New Zealand. They only found 22 specimens. 
However, Mt Ruapehu was saved and with the creation of a terrible movie, all possibilities of a race of monstrous sheep were destroyed.

Area 1: In the closet

The worst thing about closets for a monster is being trapped inside because the victim child is smart enough to lock or duct tape it closed. Then they are subject to all sorts of torture from sharp objects, Terminator 2 style, except there won't be any guns or sunglasses.

Now even ROBOTS are being destroyed by terrible writers. No seriously Terminator Salvation is really bad so don't watch it!

And monsters can't fit in the closet if they aren't flexible or small enough.

Area 2: The attic

The attic was once a nice, roomy place for monsters to hide. But then it became more and more difficult to use. Due to the age of architectural reasoning, a great enigma spawned over matters such as the ability to get inside the attic in the first place, because what if there's no stairway up there or apparent hole? There's also all the wires and stuff. Since the release of Inception, attacking during the child's sleep is a serious hazard. It'll get into their dreams when the monster goes through the ceiling that the roof is crumbling and they'll think that the dream is collapsing and they'll ask how they got there.
They'll wake up, call the authorities, and the monster will be screwed. This brings me to the next location.

Area 3: In the walls

Now imagine this. You're a monster who has just been betrayed by one of your friends to the family you are trying to haunt. Because they're not complete fucking idiots like the ones you'd expect to find in your presence, they call in a SWAT team. Then you and your mates run for your hiding place and try to escape through the floor because the place is surrounded. So you run for the main wet wall and make a large hole in it, through which you climb down. Then one of the guys from the SWAT team goes into that room and hears the guy who betrayed you coughing after getting all this dust on himself, to which he exclaims, "They're in the walls!"

Then he starts shooting, and you panic and shoot back, and then an agent smashes through the walls and grabs you, then another of your friends breaks out of the wall and smashes down on top of him yelling "You must get him out! He's all that matters!"

And speaking of wet walls, lets go to the last part.

Area 4: Under the bed

Here is a hiding place that is just downright retarded to use, because if you're a monster, then obviously, they'll just jump on you.

Pythagoras

There is more to the Pythagoras Theorem than simple geometry. While some people say some crap about it being the fact that the longest side of a right angle triangle squared is equal to the sum of the other two sides squared, at Alternations Inc. we believe that this is bull; our science is superior.

Utter, bullshit.  
They should feel ashamed of themselves.

The truth is that Pythagoras was a truly awesome man. During his time in Italy he sought to escape from a cruel ruler, by the name of Oktubus Dun Hoomer. Right before he was kinged, he asserted that an exclamation mark be added to his name to show authority and strike fear into the peasants and slaves. But he also made sure that the punctuation would be removed at his death, to stop him from looking like a douche-bag in the afterlife. Since he had been already princed automatically at birth, he had some power before then.

Pythagoras hated the idea of an exclamation mark being added to a famous name so badly, that he fled to south Italy, just south of where Oktubus ruled over.

(Side note: Nobody actually cared much about the peasants and slaves. They were just horses, chickens and other useful domestic pet animals. The villagers are a different story however. They were humans, and they were deep in the shit.)

Then, a few years later, King Oktubus decided to put his name completely into capitals. Pythagoras was infuriated, so he decided to come up with some mathematical formulas and battle plans to ensure that the king was destroyed.

Take this diagram here. It shows the one battle plan that was not rejected. It involved throwing dynamite into Oktubus' bedroom window. Because as you see, Oktubus spent his mornings ridiculously dressing in drag, pretending to be some kind of story character. The 'Rage' axis shows how angry Pythagoras is. His distance from the tower was dependent on his rage. After formulating this idea, he immediately put it into practice. Sure enough, he freed the land from terrible punctuation. He destroyed a few grand worth of architecture but history still likes him.

The Origin of Earth

A famous geologist named Frakhower De-Bueskat once said to his client "You see, all the world is made from crumbs, with varying levels of mould and staleness." When questioned, he explained that there was no need to include colour in his phrasing, seeing as that was based solely on the potency of the mould. However, that was not the question that the client had actually asked. In fact, he didn't even finish his question. There are still debates about what he meant to ask, although it is clear that what he did manage to say before being interrupted was "Why do you-".

Historians believe in a wide range of things that he meant to say, such as 'Why do you act like such a crazy batshit motherfucker?"

In Frakhower's theory, staleness dictates how hard an object is, while the mouldiness makes the substance less solid and determines what colour the substance is. So even with chocolate, old bread is what the block is made out of. In later years, however, a question was brought to the attention of a pessimist chemist: "If the world is made of bread, then what the fuck is bread?"

This simple question started the 30 year old scientific mystery that is known as the What The Fuck is Bread Debate which has remained unsolved until recently, no more than 3 years ago today. In 2007, a scientist theorised that bread was made from fresh particles which had been recently created at the edge of space, and was later proven correct by newfound bread meteorites which form 'at the end of time'. This, coupled with the 2 pages of self-contradictory rules that explain how they get to Earth so fast, can utterly blow the mind of a weak minded creature. That is why dogs die when they eat chocolate. They just can't handle the fucking extreme complexities of the seemingly impossible explanation behind the matter that they are eating. "It's just too FUCKING HARD. I'm going to sleep."

So next time you get bread, keep it in an oven. You'll be able to extract sweet ass gold ore.

First Introduction & Dustites

Please consult this helpful chart before reading anything in this blog.





Dustites are a measure of millimeters squared needed as storage space for vital aspects of living - such as knowledge - in your brain. The average adult brain can hold up to 70 knowledgeable dustites and 200 autonomous dustites (used for regulating bodily functions such as breathing). This is assuming that the waves of information are spaced out enough, which they naturally are, unless a brain-clot causing condition is present (often lethal). Dustites are usually applied as a measurement for new knowledge which comes from somewhere outside the body, such as a documentary or lesson, or even a work of fiction (imagites). Some types of dustites are beneficial, most of which are carriers of factual knowledge. TMI's and lamolics are among the damaging types of all external dustites. Meta-neurobiophysicists have been recently concerned about levels of such dustites being on the rise due to bad Disney icons and other celebrities. A new epidemic of superficialoz has arisen, inspiring stupidity in many teen-aged girls.
Some scientists think that there are 14 types of dustites, but only 8 types of dustites have been proven to exist. A theory is that many of the dustites that haven't been discovered were what made Tesla so insane and ingenious. They would have congregated there because they 'liked' electricity, (meaning that the charges attracted them) sometimes ending up getting fried by his Tesla Coils; ergo, extreme lack of the long searched-for 'Myth Dustites'. Especially the much alcoholic type.
However, the general public opinion is that "meta-biologists who work in neuroscience are suck." These people are idiots, because they're actually Meta-physicists with an interest in neuro-biology. Also, the idiots have terrible grammar. Get your shit together, folks!