The Alternate & Crappier Science

Images You Won't Believe Aren't Photoshopped

2012-02-13T15:12:00.001+13:00

I have recently spent a week in Australia for the first time. In fact, it was my first time in any other country. I was really surprised to see that I was above the clouds.

Cat and Mouse

A cat heavily pursues a mouse that has stolen one of her kibbles. Speed blur shows the sheer power of the pursuit. The mouse is regularly defined by the black spot on its rump. The mouse is clearly faster than the cat, and although he escaped from the cat, he was later strangled by a human. This was due to the non-descriptiveness of the phenomenon, in which the woman didn't know what it was in the first place.

-Luna Shyr

Ship

A ship takes off from the side of 3 cliffs. A guitarist plays its leaving theme.
-Lolpics.se

Matrix Fight

Neo enters The Matrix for the last time. An army of Smiths stand watching the battle between him and the most powerful Smith who can also fly. Neo is about to land the most poofy punch on Smith, who uses his style knocker on Neo.
-The Oracle

Gyro-Shark
A helicopter shark flies over the open ocean looking for seals to feed on.
-DOC

Horseshoe Crab

This horseshoe crab is receding to the water for it has simply lost hope in the world. Years have gone by and war still continues among humans, who have failed to listen to the wisdom of his species. He is also concerned about the exploitation of his species for their blood, which is turned into a potent blue neurotoxin.

-Luna Shyr

Lionfish Zebra

This strange creature was found outside Auckland Zoo. This may have been a result of inter-enclosure breeding. The specimen was later put to death for avoiding regular logic.

-Assorted Zoologists

The Core

Here can be seen the core of the moon. The moon has been compared to GLaDOS, having a tough cold outer shell and a boiling, angry interior.

-Luna Shyr

Spirit Bear

A spirit bear flies through the clouds majestically, waiting to be summoned by Goku for the purpose of defeating a new villain. A spirit bear is a grizzly rarely produced by two brown ones.

-Paul Nicklen

Breen

Gordon Freeman has entered Doctor Breen's office. This is part of an elaborate prank and trap by Breen. A hint of a smile appears on his face. "Really Doctor Freeman?" He says. "Did you really think you would get away with it?

-Eli Vance

Android 1

Dr Gero's recently activated Android 1 suddenly comes around a corner to find its first victim. The soldier inside the building has no idea of his fate.

-Trunks

Android 18

For the first time Android 18 is activated. She stands up with a shudder and a wheeze. Compressed air flows beneath silicone skin and she makes a demure grin. She takes in her surroundings quickly. She notices Dr Gero and kills him immediately. Then she and 17 left the premises, to be eaten later by Cell.

-Trunks

Robots

A small group of robots are conspiring. They plan to take over the world.

Universe Edge

Two space divers have reached the top of the universe. This area is home to bee fish which feed on heat.

-John Digligger

Casino Night Remastered

Lately the old Casino Night level from Sonic 2 has not been getting much attention. Due to this, the creators upgraded it to a full size city, where completely dead Sonic will be buried.

-Sega

The Void

A man trapped inside Minecraft floats down into the void using an umbrella. After a long search, it is possible to find stone where there should be bedrock under a lava pool in Minecraft. The man filled the pool with gravel and then dug everything out.

-The Yogscast

Ball With Hoop

After the world has ended, a single man passes the rest of time by throwing a pathetic little ball.

-Colin Thompson

Tesla Man

A Tesla man foolishly stands with a burning torch near a highly flammable gas electrical storm. The man is surely about to die in a rage of electrical fire. The gas is mined for such purposes as rubber and sugar processing.

-Luna Shyr

Angry Seals

These seals are furious about the existence of spirit bears, as they are their natural enemies.

-Thomas P. Peschak

See? I said you wouldn't believe it!

More Dreams

2012-02-03T17:49:00.000+13:00

I dreamed I was insane again last night. I remember suddenly yelling at a group of people at my school something like "It was school that got rid of the start of my insanity!" I don't know the exact phrase, but I wish I did. All I remember was that I contradicted what was meant to be said, which was that school drove me insane.

I remember lots of things in that dream, if you would call it just one dream. I might have even woke up in between. I definitely woke up at least once that night.

I was in a large yellow room made of rocks, much taller than it was wide. It had a square for a base and weird spikes around the edges. There were floating brown things.

Before that, I was being severely trolled in a blue place like a mix between a parking lot and a motel. I think there were spray paint cans.

Sometimes I feel like I'll have the chance to view all my dreams again. If only I could. I would put the non-private ones on youtube.
A strange thing about these dreams is that I was never in a hospital, despite being crazy.

Lately I've been looking for an idea for my next fineliner drawing. Somehow it came to me during last night. It is a picture of a man with his arms crossed sitting in the water. His head is the world and disproportionate to his body.

Movie Duration

2012-02-03T13:26:00.000+13:00

I saw the new Tintin movie last Boxing Day. Duration: 1 hour and 40 minutes.

I know this because at the start of the movie my cellphone said the time was 1:30, and afterwards 3:10. This was not according to daylight savings, even though it was in effect.

The problem with movie duration is that the credits are also taken into account. This is stupid because you don't watch the credits, so they don't count.

GLaDOS

2011-11-28T17:26:00.000+13:00

There has been some debate over how you pronounce GLaDOS.

Some people have totally retarded ideas about how to say it. They think the DOS is pronounced DAWS or DIS.

What the fuck man? Surely you learned as kids how O is pronounced! I'll accept it if it rhymes with TOSS (which would make sense as that's how the acronym for disk operating system is pronounced) or LACTOSE or even NOSE. Notice how those have an O in them.

O is not pronounced 'I' or 'AW'. Ever. The way I prefer to pronounce GLaDOS is Glay-dose.

Now here's a video which proves the way it's actually pronounced:

So as you can see at 1:35, apparently it's Glah-dose. I can settle for that.

I Dreamt of Halo

2011-10-14T15:24:00.002+13:00

I was standing on a shore at night. There was an island in front of me, not very far away or large. I could see figures on it, and closer inspection showed that it was Master Chief standing in a circle of weird looking seaweed-esque plant like things. They were people of some strange race. They must have been 2.5 metres tall because they were higher than Master Chief and he's 2 metres tall!

I walked over to that island (well actually I sort of glided really, seeing as it was just a dream) and Master Chief let them know this: "I used to have hope for the universe, until I met you." Or rather it was like that anyway. It's sort of hard to remember.

Master Chief, seen here with hope for the universe.

I headed back to the shore and away from some blue guy. He looked like Cell or Sentinel prime. I had not seen Transformers 3 yet.

He got me with a finger. I kept trying to move away and it was a bit of an annoying struggle but soon I found an Asian guy with a plane or motorbike. I forgot which one it was but it flew. Soon we had a view of hundreds of Yak planes from Red Alert 1995 as if we were playing it on a PC. They really were in a dense crowd. They were spazzing out above a full screen of pixelated water, and above them was the cross-hair. No islands anywhere.

Unfortunately, I could not find pictures of the planes or the cross-hair. The only thing actually from the game in this picture is the water. If you can find any of those things please send me a picture.

Abrupt ending. I'm not sure if the dream carried on further or not.

Dread of the Seaweed Men

2011-08-16T22:14:00.004+12:00

OK guys I had this dream recently, and it had these creepy guys I call Seaweed men in it... So I'll be making a new post about them soon. Get excited about it.

------------

23rd of September UPDATE.

This has not gone well at all. I've been in hospital for almost a month and I seem to have been discharged from it for the first time. I'm spending this Friday (that's today) and the weekend at home. Hopefully I won't end up in that mental health unit again. Maybe I'll make some posts about it or something.

Remade Guide

2011-07-04T16:40:00.003+12:00

A while ago I introduced yellow text to my blog. I've been forgetting to post a new guide explaining it for ages.

---------------------------------------------------

So I ended up saying in the previous post that

that that there were lots of new posts coming. I promptly forgot them all.

FAILURE.

Here is something that seriously pisses me off. How many of you people would be fucking stupid enough to say 'FAIL' instead of the more correct "FAILURE"

You have two options, PERSON.

Mindfuck

2011-05-20T19:49:00.002+12:00

Interesting.

This screenshot was taken from nerdcubed.co.uk.

I voted for NO. I was happy to see I was winning. HOWEVER, I am STILL WINNING.

___________________________________________

I have not posted in a while. No worry. Much more content is coming.

The Origin of OK

2011-04-18T18:35:00.003+12:00

Here is a source of info from a site explaining what OK stands for. Link.

The letters, not to keep you guessing, stand for "oll korrect." They're the result of a fad for comical abbreviations that flourished in the late 1830s and 1840s. Read buttressed his arguments with hundreds of citations from newspapers and other documents of the period. As far as I know his work has never been successfully challenged.

The abbreviation fad began in Boston in the summer of 1838 and spread to New York and New Orleans in 1839. The Boston newspapers began referring satirically to the local swells as OFM, "our first men," and used expressions like NG, "no go," GT, "gone to Texas," and SP, "small potatoes."

Many of the abbreviated expressions were exaggerated misspellings, a stock in trade of the humorists of the day. One predecessor of OK was OW, "oll wright," and there was also KY, "know yuse," KG, "know go," and NS, "nuff said."

Does some of that seem familiar? Basically, the word OK was made for a laugh, and came from the same place as many other useful words. Note the 'oll correct' part. That's no oll, that's an all.

Mind unblown. Once again, my mind remains intact. It sucks to know that someday it's just going to stop working.

The Brave Little Toaster

2011-04-18T16:30:00.003+12:00

Compared to the human race, the appliances from that movie are genius. This may sound patronizing, but they are just straight up smarter than Humans because of their ability to organize faster. They figure out the best mode of transportation within days, not years, DAYS. For them, the best mode of transportation is a chair pulled by a vacuum cleaner. The problem with this in their inability to travel without the main power source (the wall socket).

Then that guy above suddenly says "We need an alternate power source, I say."

This took less than a minute. The human race could probably have taken YEARS to come to that same conclusion.

Shame on you human race! You just got upstaged by a fucking Radio.

______________________________

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. The entirety of this post except for this text is a complete joke. Located above is a Serious Line. Nothing above it is serious.

Post Dream Contendedness

2011-03-31T20:51:00.003+13:00

A long time ago, I had a strange dream about life. I do not know what year this happened.
I remember there was a lot of white. I can sort of remember looking at what looked like a thick, white river. I don't remember much, but I do remember this Deep Thought* like, booming voice say "All the problems in life are giant sundaes, and life is just one long milkshake."

I'm not sure that I know exactly what was said, but what I have typed is close enough.

What I experienced was ridiculous, but beautiful, and very, very bright.

This is just a grand reconstruction from what I remember. I do not know if the sundaes looked all typical like that, or even if they existed at all.

This all happened just as I woke up. I find the memory of it to be hilarious.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I wish this dream indicated a bright future for my world of dreams. This has SO NOT HAPPENED. Unfortunately, a majority of my recent dreams have been terrible or just forgotten.

______________________________________________________
POST STATEMENTS

So anyway, I think I might need to apologize for not posting in months. Then again, you may be lucky that this blog even exists, and I sure as hell wouldn't apologize for not creating a blog. Also, despite it's length, this has got to be one of my greatest posts.

*Deep Thought Computer is the name of the huge machine from the Hitchhikers Guide.

The Milk Conspiracy

2011-01-05T14:01:00.003+13:00

On the 26th of October, 2010, the whole of western civilization watched in horror as president Barack Obama tipped over a neighbors' milk bottle.

The official explanation is that the incident was accidental. However, we did a bit of digging into the story. We had a team analyze the crash site and the evidence shows that there are too many holes in the story to ignore.

One of the suspicious things about the incident is the above photo that was supposedly taken. If you look closely at the table you will notice that it is weirdly jagged. This can only mean that the photo has been doctored - so that the person who was fixing the table remained unseen! Questions about this have been asked, and one of the few conclusions that have been drawn is that the table editor purposefully tilted the table upon an outsiders orders, possibly orders from the president himself.

If you can ignore this evidence on the basis that the table editor was a crazy son of a bitch who only screwed up the table because he was terrible with furniture, then you'd better prepare yourself for this.

Around the house, we found traces of thermite. Snails love thermite, and they are one of the main causes of slippery surfaces! We are supposing that terrorists planted the thermite on the table specifically so that the snails would get there.

30 days after the incident, no trace of the milk or milk carton was found.
That totally doesn't have anything to do with kitchen cleanup and recycling services, because that would be retarded.

Screwing With Translation

2010-10-09T18:21:00.008+13:00

Sorry, readers. None of the regular stuff is going up today. So instead, here is a sentence which I have translated to Japanese and then back to English several times. Online translators don't work properly, so every translation loses a piece of information. The yellow text below is not how I type.

Original sentence: The man sweated as he ran away from the wild boar, dodging in a very sketchy way between tree trunks. He was thrashing and screaming, generally making one hell of a racket.

Redo 1: He is a very rough way dodging between the tree trunk, as a man fled from the wild boar, sweated. He makes one hell of a racket in general, screaming, and thrashing.

Redo 2: The man fled from him like sweat boar is a very rough way to escape during the tree trunk. He was screaming, thrashing, will be one hell of a racket in general.

Redo 3: He boar sweat can not escape from between the tree trunk like a man ran a very rough way. He is one of the racket 地獄Nari generally thrashing, shouting.

Redo 4: During his escape from the trunk of the tree of sweat ran a very rough way the guy can not boar. He is generally one of the binary hell racket, shouting thrashing.

Redo 5: Man in the trunk of a tree to escape from the sweat ran wild boar is not very rough road. He was screaming thrashing is one hell of a racket in general binary.

Redo 6: The man from the tree trunk with sweat running boar is a very rough road not escape. He was thrashing and screaming hell of a racket or a common binary format.

Redo 7: The man from the tree trunk with sweat running wild boar escapes are not very rough road. He was thrashing, screaming a hell of a racket and general binary format.

Redo 8: The man from the trunk of the tree that escaped boar sweat running in the road is not very rough. He cried a hell of a racket and general binary format, a thrashing.

Redo 9: Man from the trunk of the tree that escaped the sweat is running wild boar on the road is very rough in there. He cried a hell of a racket and general binary thrashing.

Redo 10: Man escapes from the tree trunk road running wild boar sweat is very rough there. He cried a hell of a racket and generally thrashing the binary.

Oh wonderful! So it's a happy ending, then?

4 Dangerous Hiding Places For Monsters

2010-09-26T22:24:00.008+13:00

It is known that monsters were very common during the 1900's. Especially during the 1980's. But they were being hunted by awful writers and by 2008 they were in critical danger of becoming extinct. In fact, some species are fully dead, such as the infamous Alien, shown below. They were ruined with the release of Alien: Resurrection, when the main woman acted all maternal over them for no fucking reason and gained ridiculous superpowers.

Unfortunately, due to bad camera direction by Ridley Scot, this is the most detailed picture available.
Also, fuck that movie. Resurrection my ass.

Nowadays, monsters are small in number and live hidden near the mountain-top Tibetan Buddhist Monasteries of New Zealand (and every other hidden place in the world, but those aren't quite as funny).
Very few monsters have ever been found. For five years many teams of stupid drivers who call shotgun constantly use cameras to ruin things and hold shotguns to kill things in Honda Cities patrolled all the major mountains in New Zealand. They only found 22 specimens.
However, Mt Ruapehu was saved and with the creation of a terrible movie, all possibilities of a race of monstrous sheep were destroyed.

Area 1: In the closet

The worst thing about closets for a monster is being trapped inside because the victim child is smart enough to lock or duct tape it closed. Then they are subject to all sorts of torture from sharp objects, Terminator 2 style, except there won't be any guns or sunglasses.

Now even ROBOTS are being destroyed by terrible writers. No seriously Terminator Salvation is really bad so don't watch it!

And monsters can't fit in the closet if they aren't flexible or small enough.

Area 2: The attic

The attic was once a nice, roomy place for monsters to hide. But then it became more and more difficult to use. Due to the age of architectural reasoning, a great enigma spawned over matters such as the ability to get inside the attic in the first place, because what if there's no stairway up there or apparent hole? There's also all the wires and stuff. Since the release of Inception, attacking during the child's sleep is a serious hazard. It'll get into their dreams when the monster goes through the ceiling that the roof is crumbling and they'll think that the dream is collapsing and they'll ask how they got there.
They'll wake up, call the authorities, and the monster will be screwed. This brings me to the next location.

Area 3: In the walls

Now imagine this. You're a monster who has just been betrayed by one of your friends to the family you are trying to haunt. Because they're not complete fucking idiots like the ones you'd expect to find in your presence, they call in a SWAT team. Then you and your mates run for your hiding place and try to escape through the floor because the place is surrounded. So you run for the main wet wall and make a large hole in it, through which you climb down. Then one of the guys from the SWAT team goes into that room and hears the guy who betrayed you coughing after getting all this dust on himself, to which he exclaims, "They're in the walls!"

Then he starts shooting, and you panic and shoot back, and then an agent smashes through the walls and grabs you, then another of your friends breaks out of and the wall smashes down on top of him yelling "You must get him out! He's all that matters!"
And speaking of wet walls, lets go to the last part.

Area 4: Under the bed

Here is a hiding place that is just downright retarded to use, because if you're a monster, then obviously, they'll just jump on you.

Pythagoras

2010-08-04T22:27:00.083+12:00

There is more to the Pythagoras Theorem than simple geometry. While some people say some crap about it being the fact that the longest side of a right angle triangle squared is equal to the sum of the other two sides squared, at Alternations Inc. we believe that this is bull; our science is superior.

Utter, bullshit.
They should feel ashamed of themselves.

The truth is that Pythagoras was a truly awesome man. During his time in Italy he sought to escape from a cruel ruler, by the name of Oktubus Dun Hoomer. Right before he was kinged, he asserted that an exclamation mark be added to his name to show authority and strike fear into the peasants and slaves. But he also made sure that the punctuation would be removed at his death, to stop him from looking like a douche-bag in the afterlife. Since he had been already princed automatically at birth, he had some power before then.

Pythagoras hated the idea of an exclamation mark being added to a famous name so badly, that he fled to south Italy, just south of where Oktubus ruled over.

(Side note: Nobody actually cared much about the peasants and slaves. They were just horses, chickens and other useful domestic pet animals. The villagers are a different story however. They were humans, and they were deep in the shit.)

Then, a few years later, King Oktubus decided to put his name completely into capitals. Pythagoras was infuriated, so he decided to come up with some mathematical formulas and battle plans to ensure that the king was destroyed.

Take this diagram here. It shows the one battle plan that was not rejected. It involved throwing dynamite into Oktubus' bedroom window. Because as you see, Oktubus spent his mornings ridiculously dressing in drag, pretending to be some kind of story character. The 'Rage' axis shows how angry Pythagoras is. His distance from the tower was dependent on his rage. After formulating this idea, he immediately put it into practice. Sure enough, he freed the land from terrible punctuation. He destroyed a few grand worth of architecture but history still likes him.

The Origin of Earth

2010-07-19T19:26:00.005+12:00

A famous geologist named Frakhower De-Bueskat once said to his client "You see, all the world is made from crumbs, with varying levels of mould and staleness." When questioned, he explained that there was no need to include colour in his phrasing, seeing as that was based solely on the potency of the mould. However, that was not the question that the client had actually asked. In fact, he didn't even finish his question. There are still debates about what he meant to ask, although it is clear that what he did manage to say before being interrupted was "Why do you-".

Historians believe in a wide range of things that he meant to say, such as 'Why do you act like such a crazy batshit motherfucker?"

In Frakhower's theory, staleness dictates how hard an object is, while the mouldiness makes the substance less solid and determines what colour the substance is. So even with chocolate, old bread is what the block is made out of. In later years, however, a question was brought to the attention of a pessimist chemist: "If the world is made of bread, then what the fuck is bread?"

This simple question started the 30 year old scientific mystery that is known as the What The Fuck is Bread Debate which has remained unsolved until recently, no more than 3 years ago today. In 2007, a scientist theorised that bread was made from fresh particles which had been recently created at the edge of space, and was later proven correct by newfound bread meteorites which form 'at the end of time'. This, coupled with the 2 pages of self-contradictory rules that explain how they get to Earth so fast, can utterly blow the mind of a weak minded creature. That is why dogs die when they eat chocolate. They just can't handle the fucking extreme complexities of the seemingly impossible explanation behind the matter that they are eating. "It's just too FUCKING HARD. I'm going to sleep."

So next time you get bread, keep it in an oven. You'll be able to extract sweet ass gold ore.

First Introduction & Dustites

2010-07-11T18:56:00.009+12:00

Please consult this helpful chart before reading anything in this blog.

Dustites are a measure of millimeters squared needed as storage space for vital aspects of living - such as knowledge - in your brain. The average adult brain can hold up to 70 knowledgeable dustites and 200 autonomous dustites (used for regulating bodily functions such as breathing). This is assuming that the waves of information are spaced out enough, which they naturally are, unless a brain-clot causing condition is present (often lethal). Dustites are usually applied as a measurement for new knowledge which comes from somewhere outside the body, such as a documentary or lesson, or even a work of fiction (imagites). Some types of dustites are beneficial, most of which are carriers of factual knowledge. TMI's and lamolics are among the damaging types of all external dustites. Meta-neurobiophysicists have been recently concerned about levels of such dustites being on the rise due to bad Disney icons and other celebrities. A new epidemic of superficialoz has arisen, inspiring stupidity in many teen-aged girls.
Some scientists think that there are 14 types of dustites, but only 8 types of dustites have been proven to exist. A theory is that many of the dustites that haven't been discovered were what made Tesla so insane and ingenious. They would have congregated there because they 'liked' electricity, (meaning that the charges attracted them) sometimes ending up getting fried by his Tesla Coils; ergo, extreme lack of the long searched-for 'Myth Dustites'. Especially the much alcoholic type. However, the general public opinion is that "meta-biologists who work in neuroscience are suck." These people are idiots, because they're actually Meta-physicists with an interest in neuro-biology. Also, terrible grammar. Get your shit together, folks!

Nikola Tesla was an actual scientist who lived a long time ago. He invented Alternating Current and the Tesla coil. The Tesla Coil has appeared in games such as Crash Bandicoot and Red Alert. Also, this one time Tesla tried rubbing two cats together to create electricity.
To learn about his DEATH RAY please click here.